My favorite part of my every day? Coming home and seeing your four beautiful faces smile at me. The way your arms are always wide open, reaching for me, as soon as you see me will forever be etched into my heart as one of my favorite memories. You are so happy to give and receive hugs, and it truly is the sunshine of my every day. I know I tell you that alot, but I want to say it again. Sitting here, searching for positive things to blog about... my "daily ray of sunshine", as my dad calls it... the four of you are on my mind... so I'm going to run with it, and say alot of things I should have a long time ago, or that I need to now.
So many things I want to tell you guys. So many times that life gets too busy, that the phone rings too much, or the bills have to be paid... that I don't just TAKE the time to tell you the important things that I hope will stay with you throughout your adulthood. Things that I pray you will remember when you are my age. Things that may help you when you are trying to understand me in my "empty nest" stage, and I'm calling you ten times a day, wondering how you are doing. Yes, I will probably (hopefully) always be a little weird, but as you get older, maybe you will understand why, and love me all the more for it. Or, maybe you'll commit me into the looney bin or nursing home a bit early. Either way...
I know that the beginnings of our family was quite the whirlwind of happenings and frustrations. Meg, Mad and Mas... your bio-mom had just left for Montana and we all weren't too sure if we were going to see her again. There was some confusion and frustration mixed up with that, especially for you, Megan. Then, here comes this stranger into your home, moving things around, cleaning up the place, and spending more and more time with your dad. Megan... you were pretty resistant at first, always insisting on doing things for yourself, helping Maddie out with all her necessities, and getting Mason his bottles/pacifiers/toys, and helping with lunches and dinners. I could not believe that you were only 3 1/2 at the time, as your soul seemed to be SO much older. You were determined to prove to your dad (and to me) that you didn't need me around. You had it under control.
Mad Mae... at only 22 months old, you were my interviewer, my deliberator, and after awhile, my supporter. You had a bazillion questions for me, always wanted to sit in my lap, and almost always had a grin on your face. My challenge was to determine if that grin was a good or bad sign. Some days it was a sign of inner peace and happiness... other days, that beautiful little grin meant the devil got ahold of your ass, had possessed you, and we were preparing to enter the seventh level of hell. I would (and some days still do) hold on for the ride, and pray to God that we all get through these tough patches, all in one piece. As soon as your quarter ran out, though... the cuddling commenced, the questions would start up again, and around and around we would go. You're spunk has always fascinated me. (So has your tendency to drift off and daydream.)
And Mason... you were so tiny when I first met you. 11 1/2 months old and the cutest damn kid I had ever laid eyes on. You had these tiny little bright green splints on your hands, which put your hands in the constant "thumbs up" position, and you NEVER wanted to keep these braces on. I remember when you finally started talking, you used to ask why you were born with four thumbs. I would tell you that "God thought you were SO special, he made extra of you." You'd just giggle at me, and then look at those wonderful little hands of yours again. You had (and still have) a charmer's smile and the heart of an angel. I was "mom" within months, and have been ever since. You have been my buddy, my helper, my patience tester, and my "Chewy", and I am so grateful that (at least one of) you liked me. Don't get me wrong... there were (and still are) days when I am not your favorite person... but you've always been my little man, and I love you for that.
As time ticked on, we became closer, your father and I were married, and then... along came this wiggly little bundle we call "Chloe". I can't begin to tell you the amount of nervousness/happiness/psychoticness I went through while waiting for you, my GloBug. We would all sit on the couch and rub this ever growing belly I owned... singing to it, reading to it, staring at it... ever wondering what you would look like... how you would be... "my first tiny little baby" baby. I had been having some "practice" with the Three Musketeers, but nothing could prepare me for the emotions that flooded over me in the seconds that you took your first breath. My whole life changed. Literally. My thoughts became sharper, my heart overflowed, and mama bear was awakened inside me. I finally understood so many things that I couldn't have fathomed before. Feelings about motherhood, about my family, about absolute happiness. I knew, without a doubt, that I was exactly where I needed to be in my life, all because you were finally a part of it. I fully let myself be overwhelmed, FINALLY allowing God back into my life, and thankfully realizing, at that very moment, that YOU, your brother, and your sisters are what I'd been put on this Earth for. I was born to be your mom. Our family was now complete, and you made me and your daddy so extremely happy. Your brother wouldn't quit staring at you, Maddie grinned alot at you, (don't worry... I carefully monitored), and Meg couldn't wait to take care of you. Before we knew it... you were all so very tight, acting just like loving siblings do... pulling each others hair out (literally), throwing things at each others heads, and screaming your lungs out that "that's.not.fair!!!" Awe... my beautiful little angels.
Now, as we are all getting older, your personalities have become more and more diverse. You are all still you, but just more complex, increasingly articulate, passionate human beings. It is inspiring, and heartbreaking, to witness. I find myself, from time to time, wishing that you were all still itty bittys again, and that I could have all four of you cuddled around me on the floor, playing games, watching Dragon Tales, or baking something... just being together. I miss the days of being a stay at home mommy and witnessing the wonderful blossoming of your individualities... the days when you all still wanted me around all the time, and couldn't wait for your turn to talk to me or play a game with me. Now, I feel like I'm becoming a taxi driver to your lives, and am missing out on SO much! I'll keep trying to stay in the loop, though.
Megan~ you still have it all under control. You are the wittiest young woman I have ever met, and I am so overjoyed that you finally decided to give me a chance, and let me get to know you. I am so very proud of you and all your goals/hopes/aspirations, and pray that you reach every single one of them! You will always have my support, and I hope you know how proud I am to be your mom!
MadMae ~ Oh my little daydreamer. You still ask questions, you still like to cuddle, and you still get that funny little grin from time to time. I love your uniqueness, your fire, your spunk, your "you-ness". Don't ever let it go! Keep daydreaming! Keep asking questions! Always know what a blessing you are, and how grateful I am to have you in my life!
Mason ~ My buddy. My "little man". Not so little anymore, I know. It has been a joy, so far, watching you grow into such an outstanding young man. You are such an amazement to me, as you never seem to really let things get you too down. You bounce back from all obstacles thrown at you with a tenacity that I am in awe of. You always ask me about my days, how I am and what I might need, and always have a big bear hug waiting (and seem to know when I need them the most). I could not ask for a more well mannered son, nor could I have hoped for a better friend. I love you so much, Chewy, and am blessed to know you and call you my son.
Chloe ~ My little Glo Bug. My mini me. My cup runneth over. You are, without a doubt, the best thing I have ever done with my life. The saying that "Being a mother is having your heart go walking around outside your body."... yep. Finally understand that one. I see so much of myself (your empathy), and your father (your quiet strength) in you, and am so very very proud of you and the wonderful person you are. Your heart is SO very big... you feel things so completely, and love without limits. I love you so much for that, and for millions of other reasons. It is my wonderful privilege to be your mom, and I am oh so very proud of you.
The understanding that you guys have with one another is heartwarming to me, and keeps me hopeful that you will stay close in your adult years. The most beautiful sound in the world, to me, is the moments that I can listen quietly to you guys, giggling, laughing, talking... when you are actually being nice to each other. It's the best music in the world. I hope, more than anything, that these are the memories that you all hold on to. The happiness that was in our home while you were growing up. There are so many times that I have witnessed you talking quietly to one another about a bad day that happened, or a boy that was picking on you, or a teacher who seems to be Satan. Although it seems you four have it down to an art on how to piss each other off, it never ceases to amaze me how wonderfully you can pull together when needed, and support each other full heartedly.
I know I have been pretty long winded here, so please forgive me for that, but thank you so much for taking the time to read this. It is so very important to me that you know, without a doubt, my deep admiration for you all, and the unconditional love I have for each one of you. Forever. Even when I'm upset, down, busy, or bat-shit crazy... you are my rays of sunshine, even on my darkest days.
I thank God for knowing when, where, and how to place me on this incredible path. I thank God for each of you.
Mom
No comments:
Post a Comment