~ Laugh Lines ~

Finding myself rather conflicted lately.  So much that goes on in everyday life, that it seems very easy to get engulfed in the negative... if you allow it to take you over.  Seems I've been teetering on the edge lately of positive/negative.  Trying SO very hard to count my every day blessings, and reminding myself every day of how very good I have it.  But these damned emotions keep trying to get in the way of those positive feelings.  Doubts.  Fears.  Recollections of my past me...Old Demons.  Questions of who I SHOULD be... the conundrum of who I am... crazy thoughts... I know... but the truth.

Bare with me, please.  I'm trying to bare with myself.

Feeling older, lately.  Looking in that damned mirror and seeing the lines starting... the age showing... the sexiness leaving.  Material... I know.  Stupid... perhaps.  Non-sugar coated... definitely.  Reality sucks.

I know, deep down, that I am a good person.  I know that looks do NOT make me.. ME.

However... those damned age markers really make a person stop for a second and think... "How the hell did time fly by so fast?" 

My oldest daughter graduates in a year and a half.  Jesus.  It seems just yesterday she was 3 1/2, asking David who the hell I was.  Two days ago, she was graduating the 6th grade.  And yesterday... literally yesterday... we were having a conversation about politics and the state of our youth and the laws that govern them.  Tomorrow, my friends, she will be picking out my nursing home.  TIME FLIES!!  So sad. So amazing.  So surreal.

And yet... I look to the future.  I dream of the life that I will be enjoying with my husband in just a few short years... when all my beautiful children are grown and out of the house, and out fulfilling their own dreams.  I wonder to myself... 'what on Earth will Dave and I do with ourselves?" Will we fulfill OUR bucket list that we have been building for these 12 beautiful years? Will we be able to start traveling like we dream of?  Will we have bigger aspirations than we do now? How much more will be added to our list?  Then I think... Christ... we only have 6 more years until our little Chloe girl graduates.  SIX YEARS!!! My baby girl will be graduating!  Do you have any idea how FAST that goes?  Much, MUCH too fast.

I MUST ENJOY THEM!!!

I HAVE to find ways to really enjoy this precious time I have left with these beautiful creatures that have been blessed to my life as my children. I HAVE to let them know how amazing they have made my life.  I HAVE to listen more attentively... speak even kinder... hug even more than I already do... and throw caution to the wind when it comes to having FUN! 

Fuck old age... that's years down the road, right?!?!  I MUST enjoy the NOW. 

I can get old tomorrow.... today I must remember that I am ME... I am fierce... I am BLESSED.

And after all... there's nothing wrong with a few laugh lines, right!?! It is proof that I have lived a HAPPY life!

Blessed Be.
J