First off... Thank you. Thank you for the wonderful, beautiful, phenomenal children that I have had the pleasure of raising. Every day that I wake up and look into their beautiful faces, I count my blessings, knowing that they are 3 of the best things that I have ever done with my life. But, I also feel a pang of sadness, for the idea that you could so easily walk out of their lives, (with what seems to be no remorse) and that they have to subconsciously deal with that fact. Don't misunderstand... they are contented children, with happiness and love in their lives every day... but I just cannot fathom what it is they think/feel when the idea of you pops into their heads. What, afterall, is the proper response for these wonderful children, when they ask me how you could "just walk away like that?" It's a frustration for me that is very hard to deal with, as I have no judicious alleviation for their hurts. Dave and I have agreed that it is not our place to make you out to be the bad guy, as you seem to be doing a wonderful job of that all by yourself. We will NOT bad mouth you to them, nor will we make excuses for you. We know that they are making their own assessments of you. But, as their MOM, I want to heal their hurts, and have no way to completely do that... with all the confusion that surrounds the subject of you. But, as time goes by, we are doing much better with that healing process.
Here is where my second thank you comes in... Thank you for leaving us to it... to living happy lives... to not coming around and disrupting them like you used to. They do still, from time to time, ask about their half-sister, Patricia, and if they will ever get to meet her. I only answer with "I don't know", or "maybe someday", as I, again, don't have the proper response for this question. Someday seems to be a common word when it comes to you. Funny thing about someday...
Someday, you will look back and realize all that you have missed. And, oh my, the things that you have missed! The intellect, the humor, the compassion, the love...so much you will never experience. Every night I get to tuck them in, say goodnight, and hear them say "I love you"... even if/when they are upset with me: True, unconditional love. I truly believe that God must have had a plan for them and for me... that our paths were destined to cross, and I thank Him every day for that... How DO you walk away from that? Are you broken, or just plain crazy?
Someday, woman, you will have to face up to the despondency that you have created inside of these amazing human beings. Someday, you will owe them an explanation for your actions and reasonings. Someday, karma will catch you... and perhaps it already has. You must, after all, reflect from time to time on the knowledge that another woman is raising these three great children that you gave birth to, and (not to sound ostentatious, but...) doing a pretty good job at it. No, I am not perfect; yes I make mistakes like every other parent out there... but Dave and I are here, we're trying, giving it our all, and we are thankful every day, with a partially sad heart for our children, that you are not a part of it.
You should know that they are doing fine, they are growing into absolutely wonderful young women and a completely phenomenal young man, and that they have more love than one could wish for. However, I need you to also be aware of the fact that just because you gave birth to them, they are MY children, and I will do whatever it takes to keep them happy and safe... even if that means stopping you from further hurting them. I would love to adopt them, as you have known for years... but you can't take five seconds out of your life to get us a real address to send the paperwork to. And I guess, in one way, it's a good thing that you don't. At least while you pay your small amount of child support, it serves as a reminder to you that you do have these kids out here in the world. Children who are learning to despise you and erase you, the older they become. What a waste. You could have had so much love in your life. Your loss. My gain.
If, by some way of God, you do get to read this... please take it all into consideration, and do what is best for these great kids. Sign some papers, move forward with your life without the "burden" of child support, and we will move on with ours... just as we always have... without you.
Blessed be Angela.
Jessica
~*I originally posted this to my Facebook account a few months back, but I figured maybe it will float around a little easier here on my blog, and maybe somehow reach her. Some very important things that needed to be said.
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