Acceptance: I'm learning...

Growing up, I found out very quickly that my Grandma C was a very religious woman. My mother would tell me stories about her mother taking her to church each Sunday, making her learn how to play the organ for the congregation. Grandma would bring religious sheet music with her on each vacation she took to see us. She (and sometimes, before she passed, my Great Grandma) would play the piano for my brother and I, and sing hymnals to us. I didn't understand half of what she was singing, but I loved the fact that she had such a grip on her own beliefs that it brought her soul to song. Watching her and Great Grandma's fingers slide up and down that piano, making such heart felt music, really fascinated me. Although I have never been much of a religious person, I do believe that these two ladies helped me to open myself up to the spirituality that I still cherish and nurture today.  These little "jam sessions" have stuck with me for all these years.

Now... even though Grandma lives hundreds of miles away, I still think of her all the time, and keep in contact with her as much as possible.  She is truly awesome about reaching out and kicking my ass into gear when she hasn't been updated enough on my bat shit crazy household. Even since day one of getting together with the Hubs, she has accepted and loved my kids... blood or not. She does not judge or demean us, nor look down on us. Any of us. She asks about the kids each time we talk, and requests updated pictures. It brings such a smile to my soul each time she calls or writes.  She is even Facebook friends with all my kids, and blows up their Notifications when she logs on.  I adore that. So do my children. It makes my heart happy.

Recently, she called and asked for some updated photos, again.  And I was touched to hear her ask for pictures of the new babies, as well. Not baby. Babies.  I wasn't sure, at first, why it kind of took me aback for a bit... but it also gave me warm fuzzies, and I agreed to make sure to get pics of all my kids and my grandkids to her as soon as possible. We exchanged a few more pleasantries, and then went about our evening.

As I sit and reflect on it now... I realize the root of my shock and awe from Grandma's gesture:  Not one other family member of mine (my side of the family) has acknowledged my grandkids. They have not once said congratulations. None of them came to Punk's baby shower, and only ONE acknowledged it was even happening. They did not buy one gift or card for Punk or baby girl. They do not ask for pictures or updates. They do not blow up my kids' Notifications when they post pictures of their new nieces and nephew. They seem to want no part of it, whatsoever...

I understand there have been hurtful things said in the past between some of my family members and my children. I understand that some grudges are being held onto because of feelings expressed that were not pleasant to hear. I understand that teenagers are sometimes assholes and say the wrong thing when trying to express the right words. I understand that some people hold on to biology more than others, and believe that if there is no blood line, there can be no love line. (Blood thicker than water type of thing.) And I finally am starting to understand that I cannot control ANY of this.

This is NOT my argument. This is NOT my battle. These are not my crosses to bare. It is ok for me to love my kids AND my grandkids and not feel bad about it. It is ok for me to wish that I could share this excitement and joy, with all my family, about this new phase of our lives. It is also ok for them to feel however they choose. It saddens me, and feels that we are all slipping further away, emotionally.  But... it is was it is.

My family. My kids. My grandkids. My batshit crazy life.

Blessed Be.

~J~