I cannot believe that I have a blog titled this. Never in a million years did I think I would be expressing all that is going on in my head/heart/soul right now about this man, or the recent news regarding him. However... I know that not alot of people read this... so I can be a little more open and honest here.
I've had this playing all day... Gary Jules ~ Mad World
I am all mixed up.
I am frustrated.
I am lost in thought...
I am reminiscing...
I was only 14 years old when I met Jason Jutting. He was a junior in high school when I was just a freshman. His friend, Rob, was playing matchmaker with the two of us, telling me over and over what a cool guy Jason was, and that I really needed to get to know him. I remember asking Rob... " How cool can he be, Rob?!? He drives a frickin' pink car, for Christ's sake!" ~(Remember the "Pink Panther?" Jesus.)~ I took a chance, though, and let Rob make the introductions. I instantly fell head over heels, and we began what turned out to be a five year, on again, off again relationship. And what a roller coaster those five years were. We played together, laughed together, cried together, pushed each other, yelled at each other, and loved each other...
I know we were both just children (14 and 17), and we had no clue as to what real love was about... but we sure thought we did. I spent so much time with that man. I pushed friends away to be with that man. I argued with my parents constantly to be with that man. I lived with that man. I thought I was going to marry that man. After my 19th birthday... the reality of the situation kicked in, and we went our separate ways. I will not go into graphic details, out of respect. But, I will say that there were some hard feelings lingering about our ending. I suppose, that's how most breakups are when you are 19 and 22.
The very threads that tie together my teenage years have Jason mixed forever in with them. We DID have a lot of turmoil, but we also had some really great times, too. He made me laugh, he taught me to be strong, and he (I believe) loved me in the best way he knew how.
He used to write invisible words on my leg... "I love you"... " you are beautiful"...
He used to write messages in the snow on my windshield before scraping it off for me...
He would take me for drives up Boulder Canyon going almost 100 mph on days that he knew I needed a "high", or take me on long trips going 45mph when he knew I needed to calm down...
He used to buy me little stuffed animal tigers whenever he saw them. (I think I still have some of them today)...
He would tell me to take the Vet out for a drive when he knew I was having a horrible day, (or to try to make some other girl jealous... what a little shit.) even though he was a nervous wreck every time I took it...
He thought Black Hills Gold was the way to my heart.
He extended his hand, and tried to help me through Colette's death, even though we were not together at that time... (come to think of it... it has been sixteen years (almost to the day... 09/09/1995) that she died...)
He had an amazing laugh, and I loved the way his whole face lit up when he did.
I really did, at one time, love him. Deeply.
I have come to peace with all that happened between us, and did not wish any ill will towards him. I was actually excited for him when I heard, both times, that he had had a daughter. I knew that he would be a loving father.
I don't know what happened to make him lose sight of his girls and their need for him, or his love for them. I feel pain for him, knowing that he felt this was his only option. I wish he knew there were ways of making the things better... or at least tolerable. I wonder why he didn't see that he had friends that would have helped him through whatever troubles he was having...
Instead, all I can do now is wish his soul peace, pray for his family at this sad and confusing time, and I will be thinking of all of his friends out there that are now missing him and the unique light he brought to their lives...
I can be thankful... goods and bads, ups and downs, rights and wrongs... that he was a part of my life.
Rest In Peace, Jason.
Blessed Be
Jess
Perfectly said... Did you ever know he'd come into Lynn's and try to win those stuffed animals for you out of the machines? I don't know how much money he spent try to win them. That was his way. He did love you. With all of his heart. i know this with all of mine. I, too, wonder why he didn't accept the help I offered up in July. My number, and the name of a therapist near by. It makes me mad he left those girls. So unfair. Who said life was fair, tho? Right? You ARE beautiful. Xoxo
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I was actually just thinking of the 2 of u a few days ago Jess, and how you were doing through all of this. I hope he has found the peace he was searching for he was a great person and friend..you are in my thoughts and prayers.
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